“At its core, anxiety comes from this feeling of wanting to be safe. Something is challenging your safety in the world.” Normand Dæmon, MSW, RSW.
I needed help. My child needed help. The pandemic seemed to exacerbate both of our anxieties to the point where one of us was crying every day.
And it was at this point I realized I can’t be the only parent going through this. I was able to get help for both of us, but it made me wonder how many people out there aren’t seeking the help they might desperately need. My hope is that the more we talk about mental health the more we can understand and support one another. So here are a few things I’ve learned, may they open discussions around your dinner table and social circle so that the stigma around mental health can finally start lifting.
The Science Angle
If you want to learn more about the neuroscience of anxiety, this video by the YouTube channel Neuro Transmissions does a great job explaining the science behind anxiety that’s easy for both adults and children to understand.
Anxiety can exist in an individual for many different reasons. Genetic predisposition, developmental exceptionalities, trauma, and PTSD are just some of the causes of a person’s anxiousness.
But Anxiety can also be a Learned Behaviour
Normand Dæmon is a Registered Social Worker and Psychotherapist based out of Guelph. He talked to me about what we as parents can do to help our children who are suffering from anxiety.
“Before they (children) can even talk they are learning by just observing us and that is a huge, huge impact. Then parents take this blame, ‘well my kids are anxious because I’m anxious, well where did you learn your anxiety? You probably learned it from your parents who learned it from their parents and it has this historical trend to it.”
So forgive yourself, mamas and papas, you come by your anxiety honestly. And it’s okay. The good news is that there are some really great tools and ways we can help our children manage their anxiety.
Finding the Emotional Vocabulary
“The most important thing is just being kind to yourself,” says Dæmon. Being kind to yourself is the first step. Recognizing that there are going to be good days and bad days. It doesn’t mean you’re a bad parent. We all have a tendency to “should” all over ourselves. We “should” have done this. We “shouldn’t” have done that. Recognize that it’s normal to feel that way, learn from it, and move forward.
If you ever have a disagreement with your child, if you lose your patience, or you resort to yelling because you’re stressed, the number one thing is to repair that relationship as quickly as you’re able to.
“Be that role model for your kid. Maybe your kid can’t talk to you about their feelings but you can,” says Dæmon.
Explain how you’re feeling and why you’re feeling this way. Normalize the discussion around mental health and why you’re feeling happy, sad, frustrated, or anxious. This will help them learn the language and understand what happens when they are feeling anxious. Give them the emotional vocabulary to help them express their feelings freely.
“Name it to tame it.” is a favorite phrase that Dæmon uses. If you can’t name what is going on you can’t know that it needs to change.
Also, be aware that excitement and anxiety can actually manifest in very similar symptoms. Palm sweating, heart racing, stomach flips. Don’t mistake or mislabel one feeling for the other. You may be anxious getting on a roller coaster, but your child may just be excited, don’t project your feelings or anxieties onto them.
You can’t go wrong with a Good Sports Analogy
Sometimes the best way to get your point across is to speak their language. In my son’s case, football is his favorite sport. So when he was dealing with a lot of intrusive and anxious thoughts he figured out a way to manage them in a way he could relate to.
He thinks of anxiety as an opposing team that has possession of the ball trying to get to the end zone. The only thing his team can do is try an interception.
He takes those negative obsessions, compulsions, and thoughts and intercepts them with positive affirmations and calming techniques such as meditation and mantras.
Now the intrusive thoughts have become interceptive thoughts.
When you break things down into a language your child can understand you’ll both feel better equipped to handle the tougher emotions and feelings that present themselves.
When to Seek Professional Help
Think about seeking help from individuals, professional therapists, social workers, and doctors to build the best team for your child. (I’m all about the sports analogies today).
It’s hard to even know where to start. If you’re unsure where to go, go to your doctor first. They can recommend or refer you to professionals and programs in your area.
Kids Help Phone is a tremendous resource. They offer free counseling services to young people across Canada.
Here in Toronto, CAMH has a lot of programs and services that typically need a referral from a physician but some are available as a self-referral.
Private therapists are also doing virtual calls now and if you have insurance to help cover the cost it can be invaluable to helping your child.
The Ontario Science Centre will be holding a live YouTube event on February 22 at 2 pm discussing Kid’s Mental Health & COVID -19. Subscribe to their channel and set your reminders on to catch the live program or save the link to watch at a later time.
Patience, Patience and more Patience
Children aren’t born anxious. They aren’t trying to test every limit you have. Especially during a time when all of us at some point or another have felt a loss of control during the lockdown. Don’t beat yourself up for not handling every situation in the most ideal way. Your children will be okay as long as you’re okay. So take the time to take care of yourself and your needs as well.
By: Kareen Madian